someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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