somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
