Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
