Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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