You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
