i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
