You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
