Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
