her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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