Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
