I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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