every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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