Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
