Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
