i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
