Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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