I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
