Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
