I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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