It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
