If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize