If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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