this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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