Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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