Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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