Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize