It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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