My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
