the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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