yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
