my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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