i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
