Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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