Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
