im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
