So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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