I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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