I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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