i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
