Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
