she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
