I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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