she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
