They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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