Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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