the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
