watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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