Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
