When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
