Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
