Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
