'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
