Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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