Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
