I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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