I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
