We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
