I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
