so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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