I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
